in the Land of Never Never Fear

There is no fear in love,
but perfect love casts out fear.
Whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
We love because He first loved us.
1 John 4:18-19

Here's a confession :)

i used to think i was so fearless for being so upfront with guys. As in, romantically. (Feel free to "tsk, tsk" at me, i'm doing so myself.)

And then i learn that life revolves around the God who created and sustains it all, and everything will be all right if i just let Him be God in my life.

Ow-kay....

And then...

God is gently reminding me that that includes my lovelife.

Yipes...

Forget the fact that it was the pursuit of "that" kind of love that led me really astray. Forget the fact that many times it is in the context of that kind of relationship that i now understand our own relationship with God.

Right now i'm facing the unknown, and it's not even a dreary, creepy place. The little i know of it has been more than good, it's mind-bogglingly wonderful, and beckons me to discover more.

And --- goodness! --- i find that i'm still afraid.

Back then i was actually afraid: what if that guy was the One and i let him get away? what if i never find anyone else? what if i missed out because i did not act right here, right now? My outward confidence and courage were actually driven by the most primitive of fears.

Now...now? i say i trust in God, for anything and everything. Yea, for all that has yet to happen. Yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death itself.

But fear still rears its ugly face. i have already seen glimpses of what is to come. And it is far from being the valley of the shadow of death. (Maybe in other things, true, but we're still talkin' luv life here...)

So...what's the problem? What's the friggin' problem?!?!?!!?

Ah, 'tis me! i am the problem!

Lord, i am still adjusting to my new, full-time student lifestyle: having all this free time and much lighter pockets. i am still balancing the active, one-click-away status of a researcher with the be-still-and-listen-for-God approach of a writer. And isn't it true that as your beloved daughter, it's actually You waiting for me (especially --- actually, only --- in this matter!) as opposed to me waiting for You?

Whoa. Who's serving Who, again?
Besides, according to the Big Boss, the time is coming. Do i not perceive it?

Perhaps it's also a sign that it's the real thing, because for once i am chickening out. Ha. :)

It's time to fly. To the Land of Never Never Fear.

It's time to grow up. Leave Never Never Land.

Oh, man! i'll be a full-fledged adult soon. *whimper*

It's time to take that leap of faith.

At least let me close my eyes while i jump. :p