St. Peter and the TV Evangelist
by James N. Watkins
[Below is one of my favorite sketches from Characters, a book of comedy/drama sketches based on biblical characters.]
Synopsis
Here's what might happen is a "health and wealth" TV evangelist met one of the original disciples who had "no silver or gold."
Stage setting
The set of a TV evangelist's program. Can be anything from a bare stage to TBN's set.
Characters
BROTHER BOB BLESSING dressed in fashionable suit
ST. PETER dressed in a shabby First Century robe
Brother Bob: Ain't God great! Hi, friend, I'm Brother Bob Blessing here with another exciting special: "Something Lucrative is Going to Happen to You!" Behind me is the beautiful billion-dollar "Ain't God Great Center"--home of our satellite TV station, the "Ain't God Great Radio Network," our seven-thousand-seat auditorium and fitness center, and of course our "Springs of Blessings" water slide. From here we proclaim the good news the world is waiting to hear: "Jesus wants you healthy and wealthy." We'll be telling how you can be blessed by sharing in this exciting ministry in just a moment. But first friend, let me introduce today's co-host. He's assertive. He's positive. He's one of Christ's own disciples. Here he is, your favorite disciple and mine . . . Saint Peter!
[Saint Peter enters, appearing overwhelmed by the sets, lights and cameras.]
Brother Bob: Welcome to our "Something Lucrative is Going to Happen to You" special, Saint Peter.
Peter: You can just call me Peter.
Brother Bob: Well, what an honor to meet one so positive and assertive, and of course, healthy and wealthy.
Peter: Well, actually I've got this really bad cold I picked up in prison and I'm afraid I don't have any silver or gold.
Brother Bob: [talking to off-stage]: Keep the tape rolling, Nick, but make a note to edit that out in production. You see, Peter, I'm Brother Bob Blessing--the world's most positive thinker. Jesus wants us healthy and wealthy. We're King's kids. Ah, let's try another approach. Take two. Five. Four. Three. Two. [silently count "one"] Peter, you were one of Christ's closest friends. What positive and powerful message stands out above all the others.
Peter: I guess the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus started out by saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of . . .
Brother Bob: Cut! Peter, you don't seem to understand that this is a positive show. God doesn't want us living below our privileges. He loves you and has a wonderful Porche for your life. [Talking to off-stage] Roll the tape, Nick. Take three. Five. Four. Three. Two. [pause] One of Christ's messages that stands out to Saint Peter is the Sermon on the Mount.
Peter: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Brother Bob: Cut! What do you mean "mourn." If you think on positive things, if you really believe that something lucrative is going to happen to you, then life can be continuously happy.
Peter: But I get beat up everywhere I go sharing the Gospel. And my close friend, James, was beheaded. And worse than that, there are people dying this moment and going into eternity without Christ.
Brother Bob: Just don't think about it, friend. Fill your mind with positive thoughts. [To off-stage] Keep the tape rolling, Nick. We may be able to salvage some of this. [To Peter] Please, say something positive.
Peter: Well, I'm basically a "go for it," assertive and confident sort of guy . . .
Brother Bob: Praise God! Yes, friends, it's those who assert themselves and name it and claim it that the Lord blesses.
Peter: . . . but I've learned that only the meek will inherit the earth.
Brother Bob: [To off-stage] Make a note to edit that out. Take four. Five. Four. Three. Two. [pause] [To Peter] Is there ANYTHING positive you remember Christ saying?
Peter: Oh, sure. Most of it.
Brother Bob: Finally! Peter remembers Christ as someone who thought positively, lived positively, and was positively successful! Can you share some of those thoughts, Peter?
Peter: Sure, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."
Brother Bob: Praise the Lord! Thank you Jesus! Yes, Jesus want to fill our lives to overflowing!
Peter: "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."
Brother Bob: Preach it, friend!
Peter: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
Brother Bob: Hallelujah!
Peter: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God."
Brother Bob: Gaa-lory! Yes, friends, God wants you to be His son or daughter and experience all His riches. Just dial 1-800-BLESSED and . . .
Peter: "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness for theirs is the kingdom of . . .
Brother Bob: CUT!
Peter: "Blessed are you when people insult you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you . . . .
Brother Bob: Okay, that's enough! Are the mikes off? Look, Peter, it's been great being with you, but--nothing personal--you're not the kind of guest this special needs.
[Peter walks off shaking his head.]
Brother Bob: [To off-stage]: Nick, see if you can get me the disciple who wrote "God's divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness." [pause as if Nick answers Brother Bob] That WAS him?!
[Brother Bob walks off shaking his head.]
Copyright © 1982 James N. Watkins. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission from www.jameswatkins.com.
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