Apart from Him i can do nothing, He says (John 15:5).
Indeed, in the past weeks, i was mediocre at everything, or worse. i was having fits of temper around my family again. Half my class flunked their first, supposedly easiest, exam. i was not able to prepare well for the classes i was teaching, the Bible study group i was leading, the ministries i was joining, et cetera. it all culminated in a weekend-long sickness. (my very own Good Friday to Easter Sunday =) )
Deep down i knew i had to change; i had to stop. i had to pray. i stopped praying when i started doing my thesis. (whoa, that just sounds…wrong.) which means, i stopped praying when the year 2006 began. (so, so wrong.)
In my busy-ness and worry i kept talking to God at the back of my mind, or maybe just imagined talking to Him. But listening? And because a new schoolyear kicked off as i was still revising said thesis, i “could not” --- would not? did not? chose not? --- to listen.
We’ve all heard the saying, we’re given two ears and only one mouth so we can talk less and listen more.
James says, let every person be quick to hear and slow to speak (James 1:19).
More to the point, Mother Teresa says that when she prays to God, she is simply listening. And what would God be doing? You guessed it: God is listening as well.
Last Saturday (July 15, 2006) i had a meeting, a class, and a seminar to go to. (plus this science-fiction and fantasy convention held but once a year!) But i was too sick to even eat. (Yes, i was that sick.) And all of a sudden i was forced to examine my recent past. In spite of the endless movies and talk shows that paraded before my eyes that weekend, or maybe because of them, i realized anew how empty life had become without God --- without seeking, hearing, listening to His voice.
Especially for me, because i'm a writer --- nay, His writer: His own personal secretary on call 24 hours a day. (yay =) ) If i don’t hear His voice not only can i not do anything, i really am nothing.
For all my mistakes i'm glad i can learn from them. =) when everything falls apart, perhaps i’m apart from God. more than time management or teaching skills or anything else, when circumstances start putting me down, or when the least of these circumstances make me fearful and anxious, it’s really God’s presence that i need. =)
So what happened?
Within hours of requesting for His voice,
- i got to write and testify for Him again (for others!)
- i suddenly become an effective teacher, literally overnight!
- i come home and relate well to my family.
But these are just good signs that He’s back in my life. Even without them, i’ll live. But i cannot live apart from God Himself, and i wouldn’t want to. His presence is more than one will ever need.
For those of you who still haven’t felt His presence, just ask. He promises that you will find. In the same way that i asked God for His presence and things literally started turning around, i just know that YOUR life will turn around too. =)