January 15, 2006

waiting for x3 with fear and trembling...or not! (see end)

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope
-- Switchfoot, "Only Hope" (playing right now)

before i forget, i'm putting it in this blog. to the handful (yihee) of people who get to read this, please pray for me. while i still have the sense to ask for help...

ok, i'm such a drama queen. but x-men 3 will be out in a few months (may 26 2006, now why did that date conveniently get lodged in the front of my brain?...).

let this blog entry be a time capsule. in case i get hooked so much on x3 that i (once again) turn to it as my false god. Lord, if that happens, have me read this, or have some blog-reader refer to this entry or comment on this so i'll remember...even if i'm still snagged hook line and sinker, at least i would then have an idea that it's somehow, slightly wrong to worship anyone but You.

i *know* that You're my only hope...but still i stray, i accidentally stray, i willingly stray. wah. Diyos ko po!

we're all Yours, God...by right, because You created us. but in our thoughts, words, actions...do we recognize that we belong to You? do we admit that we should belong to You?

can i pray that x3 will leave me inspired to do good and right, and have it end there? i don't want to be obsessed anymore! (haha, my writing this shows depth of said obsession...)

is this going to be like that struggle with some, erm, guy? where i have to let go and i don't want to let go but then i want to let go because it's for the greater good but then the hard thing is i don't really want to let go...that struggle which by the way is now non-existent and i can honestly say i'm wishing for the best yet without all the possessiveness and selfishness and resentment and obsession? (by the way, if that guy is reading, it's not you! or, it is you, but there are many of you! er, or, i'm already over you!!!)

hehe, all this babbling releases tension ;p

take away the pedestals, Lord. arm me with Your truths. :)

because i already know that i shouldn't worship them. that, when i actually get to be in their shoes, i wouldn't want that kind of life anyways...the life where you can save everybody but yourself, where outside everything seems perfect and yet the inside is wretched and corrupted...haven't i been in that situation before? i hated it!

x-men comics and movies are not evil in themselves, but i embraced them so fully that i unconsciously got the there-is-no-God-but-i-for-i-have-the-power philosophy. i know of many Christians who have no struggle with this (well, let's say two) but not for me. besides, the mom of a teenage John Wesley (founder of Methodist denomination of Christianity) advised:
Take this rule: whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off the relish of spiritual things; in short, whatever increases the strength and authority of your body over your mind, that thing is sin to You, however innocent it may be in itself.

Amen to that. :)

Be the reason I live
Be my quest, my constant vision
Be the water I drink
The treasure I seek more than gold
Be the fire in my heart
My consuming love and passion
Be the air that I breathe
The song that I sing from my heart and soul
Jesus, Lord over all
Be the Lord over me
Jesus, drawn to this alter I come
Here is my heart
May Your will be done in me
-- Sonicflood, "Lord Over All"

p.s. i started this blog to reach out to others, to share God's love and mercy...like a teacher relaying information to the "younger" generation...haha, who needs help now? :p i have many struggles and questions but i wanted an outlet for the answers i do know, those things that i've already learned/proven/experienced about Him, those things He's already shown and revealed to me. the world doesn't need more problems and questions, but answers and solutions :)
except for this entry. but it's ok. it's a testimony in itself. i need help! :) because i'm a former addict who graduated from rehab but is now seemingly running back to that addiction, that same addiction which i already know is harmful...(at least, "harmful" given my current psychological-emotional-etc state)
please pray for me :) thanks!
and God, i know You're watching me type this...what's it gonna be? is x3 going to suck so badly that i would be ashamed i ever bought a comic? or is it going to be so great that i will stumble and fall yet again...and again and again?
how pessimistic of me. GOD, i pray that You set my priorities straight and give me one good BONK on the head! help me appreciate the wonderful things about the x-men that inspired me for more than half of my young life...and steer me clear of the worldly, selfish reasoning that hindered me and made me do the modern-day equivalent of cutting off my arm and throwing it into the sea. :) please, God! my arm's gone already! what else can i throw? :) (there's another arm, but, er, wouldn't it be better if i just get all wise and mature and spiritual and DETACHED about this?)
for what it's worth, i give You my will. let Your will be done and not mine. (gulp!) (this is one of those scary prayers...)
i'm Yours, God! even if now it's only in writing...the heart eventually follows the will :)

(now back to work. bonk me on the head! i should get things done already!!!)
this is how bad i need your prayers :) :)
good thing i have the BEST backer in the world, the Creator Himself!

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

thank You, God, for supporting me. and for x-men too :) and for whoever's praying for me right now. help me through all this, and through the paperwork that's not yet checked because of all this! :) in everything, thanks pa rin...because i'm having struggles simply because the x-stories are so beautifully written (and sometimes, beautifully drawn, but if you haven't noticed yet i'm a writer and i appreciate the words more)...

okay, i'll stop na...thanks again God, 'coz i can count on Your faithfulness and on Your plans that are INFINITELY BETTER WRITTEN than any comic :) :)

i'll stop typing na. :)

addendum (Jan24 2006): ok na! please see "ok na :)" and "ok na (talaga) :)" :)

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