December 29, 2005

waiting =)

Waiting. =)
i don’t mind waiting for my husband. i have been wrong, so wrong, and so many times, in the past. Taking control is not an issue for me anymore because i have lousy judgement anyways :p .
Besides, i'm giving over the reins to the One who created me and created my future hubby. By the way, God created the entire universe as well! He knows the best plan for each of us, and if my life (or any other’s, for that matter) were to be studied, you could but conclude that He always acts in our best interests. Have i not put my heart and my trust in the right place? =)
Guarding my heart is crucial. Because i don’t know what will happen between now and the vows. Anyone who knows me personally knows I get affected really easily! i admit, I was troubled recently when i saw (blank 1) talking to (blank 2) --- as if (blank 1) were (i) a possession, and (ii) my possession! As if blank1 and blank2 cannot possibly talk to each other, the way i talk to each of them and to many others!! As if, as if…
(dec29 note: now I’ve also heard about blanks 3, 4, and 5…guard the heart! “As if,” i will chant over and over again…!)
My old self would know what to do – take matters into her own hands way before “dangerous” or “seriously critical” events (like blank1 and blank2 talking) could possibly occur again.
But i’m not my old self anymore. My old self came face-to-face with God Himself, and He has been renewing and transforming me ever since, into the beautiful, virtuous woman He has always intended for me to be. (If it’s not yet obvious, i can always say i'm still a work in progress! If the changes really show, then to God be all the glory and praise. =) )
My old self --- the old sinful nature, corrupted by selfish wants --- still pops up every now and then. i am torn between self and God; my will versus His will --- His good, pleasing, and perfect will (Romans 12:2).
It is so hard, battling against myself, battling within myself. Though God is all-powerful, He always gives us the choice to follow Him. Which is why humans, even those with Christ already inside them (inside us), still run the risk of stumbling and falling really hard.
It is hard, but really, what choice is there? Who else can i go to, to find life, meaning, joy, fulfillment? Who else is faithful, true, and good? Who else is like that for all time?

Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.
-- Peter to Jesus, John 6:68

As God gives me the choice, i give the choice back to Him.
i submit to His authority over my life, and that includes my heart. i also give back to Him the choice of who i will marry =) (er, Lord, i will marry, right?). The one (blank!) i’m thinking of right now may or may not be the one --- why, it’s possible i won’t marry at all, too!
God wants me to pray, to pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and He will give me what i ask (Luke 11:9-10, Matthew 7:7-8, James 4:2). But at this point in my life, the future (my marital future) is not too clear. Instead, i will pray another of Jesus’ prayers: that God’s will be done (Luke 11:2) in my life; that His kingdom come (Luke 11:2) reign in the castles of my life, as i sit here…
Waiting. =)
(written December 17, 2005)

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