June 2, 2006

the last stronghold

it's going down.

grabe, how deceitful the enemy's lies can get. what exactly, may i ask, is wrong with speaking the truth? with admitting i am wrong and someone else is right? with admitting i am weak and someone else is strong? with admitting i need help and someone else can help me?

is there freedom in submission? perhaps that's another topic for another day...but there truly is freedom in facing the truth =) freedom from the seemingly endless cycle of ups and downs, of births and deaths --- freedom leading not to nothingness but to fullness of life.

here's a secret =) i really hate --- hated --- seeing "macho" male characters saving damsels in distress. by extension, i hate --- hated --- asking guys for help. (sure, you might say Jesus was a guy. but it took me twenty-odd years to submit to GOD, for crying out loud! how much longer for those y-chromosomed beings He created?)

externally, i was worried that guys might develop this superhero complex, this "Savior" mentality. i was worried that they might "worship" themseleves in the process. well, it might or might not happen to them. but, i now realize that all along i definitely was "worshipping" myself, that it was i who gave myself more than my due.

again, all these lordship/submission issues might sound odd coming from a Christian who asks God for everything from dorm room lights to jeepney rides. but that was a struggle on a different level. on a way different level than dealing with my, er, fellow humans.

i'm reminded of this story/observation about Adolf Hitler. here he was, proclaiming the superiority of the blond-and-blue-eyed Aryan race when he himself looked like the Jews he was exterminating. (at the very least, Hitler was far from being blond and blue-eyed!) naturally i hated his hypocrisy. but now that i realized my hypocrisy as well, i am doubly the hypocrite for looking down on him.

so to all the guys of this world: sorry for being such a hater. so help me God, i shall remember that i, as a feminist, was a sexist too. so help me God, i will respect the authority of my superiors, female or male. but guys, i will not follow you blokes blindly: however with my contributions i also offer my cooperation.

i really love God's timing in the (seemingly) small moments...to be specific, He uses me to "teach" others something i have to learn myself. because just this morning, as i was overcomplicating this quite "simple" issue, my friend asked me about --- of all verses! --- this one:

"the last shall be the first,
the first shall be the last."
(see Mark 9:35)

ha! =) i immediately felt God talking directly to me =)

as i was texting my friend, sigh, i was telling myself the same things: servant leadership. if Jesus Himself suffered, and accepted His fate, how much more must those who follow Him do as He did? and, i have to admit, i remembered that an opportunity to be humble now leads to an opportunity to be exalted later. (ok, so this last statement can be viewed as (a) selfish and grandstanding, a "fake good deed", or, ideally, as (b) a reassurance that doing what's best and right really is worth it. =) )

when i had Jesus Christ in my life, i can't understand why others won't do the same. why, oh why, can't they admit they can't do everything right, why can't they admit they're not always strong, why can't they admit they need help and just ask for it? how easy it was to forget my own long detours away from God! but, whether or not i was forgetful, i have to understand that they just probably don't know what they're missing. or, perhaps, they have forgotten the goodness of dwelling in God's presence in the midst of all the poor substitutes out there.

admit, admit, admit...i admit i have forgotten, and remember only now, how hard it is to admit my wrongs, weaknesses and needs. should it really make a difference if i admit it to God or to my fellowmen? to a guy?!?!!?! of course not; humility is humility.

and pride, my last stronghold, is going down. let it be so.


1 comment:

  1. ako naman...before submitting to God, i hated self-righteous believers...kasama na dun ang mga born again. probably because of the example set by some of my relatives. they claim they are christian, boasting memorized verses out of the blue, yet their lifestyles and behavior are completely and utterly un-christian. oh well ^_^ i'm glad i'm learning not to look at other people...although sometimes when a person i meet says he/she is born again, i tend to get wary/dubious.