After 5.5 years of "really" being a Christian, i suffered a major depression in the middle of this year. It seemed everything --- relationships, school, finances, ministry --- suddenly disintegrated. In the midst of all this, i felt the absence of God. (When God regularly speaks, His silence is deafening.)
i felt that the logical thing to do, of course, was to go (back) atheist. "Well, since I don't sense Him anymore..."
i just conceded that i did sense Him in the past.
i just acknowledged that God *is* real, that i just need Him so much, that ultimately it is His will that shall be done.
i finally realized why He kept on saying before that He will never leave me nor forsake me. Back then, i just felt like an irritated A+ student repeating an entire grade ("Yes, I already know that...!").
i finally realized that back then, faith for me was trusting in my Heavenly Daddy King who lavished His prodigal-princess-who-came-back. (Not much of a spiritual struggle there.)
...And that now, faith literally is holding on to the unseen. When there are no blessings and only burdens...when it seems God only gives out burdens, or when it seems that there is no God at all...
Atheists, agnostics, doubters, non-Christians, and even Christians have endless questions about God. Continue to seek. God promises, "If you seek Me with all your heart, you will find Me." "God is spirit, and He seeks worshipers who worship in spirit and truth."
Now, more than ever, i see that faith is not blind. Faith is about holding on to the God we already know. The God who is in control of all things. The God who is full of goodness. The God whose promises are always fulfilled.
For me to go back now to atheism would be the stupidest thing i could do.
And by the way, i am starting to sense Him once again. Not as much as before, but at least i'm on the road back.
And the smile is back too :) (yay.)